Series: Strong Families in a Broken World

Sermon Title:  Blend Well

A blended family is a family where at least one parent has children that are not legally or biologically related to the other parent or spouse. Either parent, or both, may have children from previous relationships or marriages and children together.

Recent statistics state that 40% of families in the United States are blended families

Blended families have been part of human history for quite some time.  We can look at the bible and find stories like Abraham who had two sons each with a different woman.  One was the child of promise (Isaac) and the other was the result of man’s attempt to bring about God’s promise (Ishmael). 

As we read that story, we learn that Ishmael was sent away along with his mother Hagar.  You can imagine the tension that was created between the two half-brothers. 

Just to clarify - Half-siblings have one biological parent in common, while, stepsiblings are related only by the marriage of their parents.

Through Isaac we get the fulfilment of God’s promise mainly His Son Jesus and from the Ishmael we get the sworn enemies of Israel and the Muslim faith.

We see another example of a blended family just two generations from Abraham.   His grandson Jacob married two wives Rachel and Leah.  Jacob also had two concubines whose names were Zilpah & Bilhah.  This blended family is said to have lived together.  You can only imagine the drama that went on in that household as two sisters shared the same husband.

The point is many people have found themselves in similar situations throughout history and God has used blendedfamilies to bring about His divine plan.  You are not alone. 

Today we hope to discover what it means to be healthy in whatever your blended situation looks like.

Because in blended families, you have many different family dynamics that makes parenting together more challenging than in non-blended families.  With blended families you will face challenges biological families just don't have to think about. 

In my previous marriage, I was the fourth wheel in a blended family.  She had two kids.  So, I understand some of the difficulties that blended families encounter. 

• There are things that have led to a failed relationship which often get carried into the marriage.
• There is heartache that comes from being in a broken relationship.
• If there are children in the picture when the new couple marries, they miss out on that time alone together which is very instrumental in building a strong relationship.
• There is this new dynamic with either a new stepfather or stepmother and possibly their kids.
• There is the relationship that the children have with their mother. Which is a typically a strong bond but not always the case.  The new husband/wife feels like he is in competition for their spouse’s love and feels like an outsider.
• The wife in such case loves her children and guards herself from being hurt by another man.
• There is a relationship that may or may not exist with their biological father.
• There may be custody issues that arise.
• Your spouse may still want to raise her children with their biological parent.
• There is a possibility that you may never take the place of their dad in your step kid’s life.
• The children go through a great deal of stress as well.
• They are now having to alternate their time between both parents as they often love both parents equally.
• They must endure seeing their dad with another woman or seeing their mom with another man.
• They also must share their parents with their stepsister/stepbrother.
• They must get accustomed to having new siblings.
• Let’s not forget about the grandparents who must also learn to love their new families.

There are so many obstacles a blended family must overcome.

So, the question becomes, “How do you blend well?”

We would like to recommend the book “Building Love Together in Blended Families” by Gary Chapman & Ron Deal.  Furthermore we would like to give a few pointers which could help.  

Adjust Your Expectations

When God had promised to bless Abraham with countless descendants, Abraham was expecting God to bless Ishmael instead.  His body was as good as dead according to (Hebrews 11:12) Could God really produce life from a man whose body was considered dead? Abraham even brought this very question to God.

Genesis 17:17-19

¹⁷ Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed and said to himself, “Shall a child be born to a man who is a hundred years old? Shall Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?” ¹⁸ And Abraham said to God, “Oh that Ishmael might live before you!” ¹⁹ God said, “No, but Sarah your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac.

Abraham had to change his expectation. He had to align his faith with the promises of God.

When going into a blended family couples have this expectation that things are going to be better than they were before.  There is a dream of repairing or restoring what has been broken or lost.  Whatever the back story is we want to fix it. 

Perhaps the couple believes “because we love each other that our entire family is going to love each other as well.” They will all get along and we will be one big happy family.  Our kids are going to be loving and accepting of the new spouse, and of their new siblings, they will feel safe, comfortable, and loved. 

 Perhaps you have the microwave mentality, you think by simply coming together through a covenant marriage that everything will suddenly be fixed.  Perhaps you expect to immediately experience love from a step child as you demonstrate unconditional love toward them.

There may be high expectations going into a blended family. After all you should always hold on to hope that things will be better someday.  But just as with Abraham God’s promises often take time to develop.  Just know that it is all about His timing and not ours.

• Change your expectation on a time frame that you thought it would happen.
• Change your expectation on the love you thought everyone would share. Love unconditionally without expecting it to be reciprocated at first. Ultimately love wins!
• Change your expectation that it would happen your way.

Often it does not take place the way that we think it will or in the time frame that we think it will happen.  

Lead With Prayer and Humility (Romans 12:12)

Let us never underestimate the power of prayer accompanied with a humble heart.

Philippians 4:6-7

⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 We may not know what to do while navigating a blended family, but He does.  He is omniscient, which means He knows all things all the time. The scriptures tell us to not be anxious and to pray about everything.

I think it also takes a level of humility for the stepparent to admit that they may not know how to love your stepchildren well.  The important thing is for the Adult to lead by Starting the Conversation and loving them unconditionally and even sacrificially.

Even if they don't ever warm up to you, they're still going to move into adulthood remembering the way you did reach out to them in love.

Pray, Pray, and pray some more. 

• Pray that God will heal the brokenness of their lives.
• Pray that God will bring your family together.
• Pray against all negative influences over their lives.
• Pray that hearts will be softened to receive your love.
• Pray consistently

Speak Their Love Language (Ex. Esau Gen. 27:1-4)

There is a famous book from the 90’s by Gary Chapman which talks about the five love languages.  The basic idea is that what makes one person feel loved will not necessarily make another person feel loved and that's true whether it's a blended family or a biological family.

Learning to speak your stepchild’s love language could prove to be of tremendous worth and possibly be the very thing that opens the door to your child’s heart.

The Five Love Languages are as follows:

• Words of Affirmation - if your child/stepchild’s love language is words of affirmation and you use negative harsh words even condemning words, it really strikes it that that person so that one pound is more like 50 pounds.
• Acts of Service
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Physical Touch

Understanding this concept that each person has a primary love language will help the stepparent know how to best express love to that stepchild. If you don’t, you'll probably just speak your own language and wonder why it doesn't work.

Please note that words of affirmation, acts of service and even gifts are probably going to be used in the early stages of the relationship. 

Quality time and physical touch will most likely not happen for quite some time.  We all understand this idea.  You probably would not go to Rouses and give some random cashier a hug.  But you probably will give your close friends and family a hug. 

So, if your stepchild’s love language is touch it may just start as a fist bump or hi-five for some time before a hug is acceptable.  Then know what kind of hug is appropriate.

Never force the child to love you back, just allow them to love you at their pace.  Just know that if the child does not accept your love or even pushes against your love, it does not mean that they do not love you. 

A stepchild may very well love their stepparent but that doesn't mean they want you to hug them. You might know that their love language is physical touch but that doesn't mean you can hug them just yet.

Perhaps it is sacred to the child, it may have been special thing between the child and their biological parent. For the child’ to accept love from the stepparent is to deny the love of their biological parent.

It's hard to attach yourself to something new when you're holding out for the old to come back.

It is a confusing time for everyone involved. 

Wisdom would say there is a certain measure of the love language that's appropriate now and somewhere down the road there is another measure. 

Start with what you can do it may not be your stepchild's primary love language acts of service may not be, but they'll probably enjoy and appreciate the fact you do something for them

Be Patient with The Process (Ecc. 7:8, Rom. 8:24-25)

It will not easy, but you can achieve a sense of unity in your blended family by demonstrating faithful love and by being fully committed to the goal. 

Crock pot metaphor is yes you can get there it'll be good to taste someday, but like cooking with a crock pot it takes time.  But if you go in with a blender mentality or a microwave mentality, we're going to cook this sucker fast and it's going to be great and everybody's going to love it; then you will get disappointed and you will feel like you're a failure.

This is a journey it's just a little longer to get there than we thought and we need to continue to press in but do so with a lot of wisdom.

Perhaps even as you wait their defiance may get worse.  Please know that we cannot control that stepchild’s behavior but we can continue to reach out and love to them.

Ultimately love wins. 

Consistently reach out and continue speaking their love language on some level.

For God loved us while we were sinners and sent Christ to die for us.   

You may feel rejected by this person but you can ask God to help you love them show me how to love them consistently because your loved

As the adult in their relationship your job is to be patient and move forward slowly

The opposite of being patient is being frustrated, complaining, nitpicking etc... None of that is helpful.  In fact, that just creates even more stress and tension between family members.

Patient crock pot mentality it's going to happen; I must persistently pursue at a pace that the child can receive.

Put Your Marriage First (Ephesians 5:22-25)

Eventually, kids will leave.  They grow up and they go and what you're left with is whatever marriage you have cultivated while parenting.

Marriage, next to your relationship with Christ, is the next most important relationship then your kids and then so on to friends et cetera.  So must prioritize correctly.

Furthermore, the marriage relationship, when the two of you are loving supporting caring encouraging each other, is the best thing you could be doing for your children.

For marriage provides them with a model of what it looks like to love and care for another person.